Smasher Swears
by WritingBookworm
Summary: Zelda finds a list of naughty words that Crazy Hand posted- crazyness ensues. Rated K for a VERY boyish Zelda, bullying Olimar and an ancient swear that comes from the dawn of time... OOC. Sequel to Mysterious Ticking Noise.


**A/N: Whoohoo! This is finally out! I've been working on-off on this for a few months, and finally this is up. **

**So... anyways, don't own Nintendo of SSBB or Potter Puppet Pals, blah blah blah. Enjoy!**

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_Smasher Swears_

A few days after the singing episode, Princess Zelda of Hyrule had been wandering around the Smash Mansion when she found a list nailed to the wall. She had observed its contents and now was curiously taking it over to her friends.

"Guys, Master Hand just posted a list of words that are banned from the Smash Mansion," Zelda said excitedly in an odd boyish voice. "I didn't know Brawlers had their own swears."

"Of course they do, Zelda," Meta Knight put in. "They're called 'Smasher Swears'."

"Oh, like Poké Bum," Link remembered.

"Really?" Zelda commented. "That's adorable."

"Oh, they're worse than that," Meta Knight explained. Then he egged on Zelda slyly, "Read some, Zelda."

Zelda looked down at the list, her blue eyes skimming over the list to find a useful Smasher Swear. "Let's see here..." she said in concentration, then her face seemed to light up. "Son of a Bowser," Zelda read in a this-is-going-to-be-most-interesting voice. "That's useful."

"Punch and Kicker," Meta Knight swore. "That's my favorite!"

"Ahem."

The trio immediately swiveled around to see a man clad in a black camouflage jumpsuit. Immediately Zelda, Link and Meta Knight all paled-

It was Snake.

"Do my ears detect foul-mouthedness?" Snake arched an eyebrow.

Meta Knight quickly shook his head/body. "Oh no, Sna-"

"Ganondorf's Nipple!"

"EXCUSE ME?"

Link and Meta Knight cussed to themselves. Smooth going, Zelda.

"Zelda!" Meta Knight protested, desperately trying to think of ways that they could get out of this situation.

"I refuse to have this filth spilled in my presence, Miss Zelda," Snake hissed. "500,000 points from your K.O. scores!"

Before Link could think about holding it back, "Pikman Boogers!"

Meta Knight, Zelda and Snake all turned around slowly to see Link at the same time. A small line of sweat broke on his forehead.

Zelda was the one who spoke first. "Everybody run," she whispered slowly to her friends. Then immediately she whipped around and hollered, "Donkey's Kong!" in Snake's face before running away.

Snake just stared at the hallway in which they had ran. He sighed and muttered to himself, "Troubled Trousers."

In another room, Zelda, Link and Meta Knight skidded to a halt and giggled madly.

"That was fun!" Zelda exclaimed, and was about to continue when she saw someone else.

That someone else was, in Zelda's opinion, the shame of the Super Smash Brothers. With a fishbowl over a head shaped like a watermelon and a bunch of Pikmen following him, Olimar seemed to shrink.

"Oh." Said Zelda simply. "Hi Olimar."

"Hello Zelda, Meta Knight, Link." Olimar seemed somewhat happy to see them. "What's up guys?"

"We're saying awesome naughty words like Brawlery Ridley!" Link blurted.

Olimar gasped. "My Pikmen forbid me from using such naughty language!"

"Well, your Pikmen are Peach-ended skunks!" Zelda shot back angrily.

Olimar gasped in disbelief.

"She doesn't mean it Olimar," Meta Knight quickly told Olimar in an attempt to make the situation right. "She's just testing out some Smasher Swears."

Zelda looked to Meta Knight, and somewhere mystical music started playing slowly. "Oh, I mean it. I mean every world I ever say ever because I'm Princess Zelda."

A flash of lightning cracked through the room randomly, very much on cue. The Olimar and the trio quickly looked around, wondering where it had come from.

"I-I'm telling Master Hand," Olimar stammered and began to walk away.

Link rolled his eyes. "You're such a smashhead!"

"This is against the rules," Olimar continued to mutter nervously to himself as if he hadn't heard Link.

Taking advantage of the situation, Zelda ran at incredible speed towards Olimar with the list, and threw her body over the door at the last second.

"I can't let you do this, Olimar," she hissed.

Suddenly Olimar could see where Zelda was going with this. "Oh no! No!" he said hurriedly, panicking. "I don't want to swear! My Pikmen don't want me to swear!"

The Princess of Hyrule narrowed her eyes. "Are you a Brawler or not, Olimar?" she challenged.

"I am a Brawler!" Olimar protested. "But… but…"

Zelda smiled evilly, handing the list to Olimar. "Try it then," she said almost reverently. "Here's the list. Say anything."

With shaking hands, Olimar took the list. His hands shook as he searched for a word that wouldn't be too vulgar but good enough to get him out of the situation.

"You can do it Olimar," Meta Knight encouraged.

Fortunately, that was enough for Olimar. He slowly opened his mouth and reluctantly said, "Kirby's… butt crack."

Link and Meta Knight cheered. Zelda, on the other hand, stared at Olimar repulsively, as if he were some kind of dirt that she wanted to scrape off her shoe.

"You sicken me," she said slowly.

"But it's on the list!"

"Kirby is ten times the Brawler you'll ever be, Olimar," Zelda ignored Olimar's protest. "Leave the Smash Mansion, Olimar. And never. Come. Back."

Olimar stared at Zelda, hoping that she would suddenly say "Just kidding!" or for her to be merciful in some way.

But when it became apparent that she wouldn't, Olimar's shoulders slumped and sulked out of the room.

At first, there was a weird silence between Zelda, Link and Meta Knight. Then suddenly the latter two cheered, "YAAAAAAY!"

"You're quite the helium today, Zelda," Meta Knight remarked.

"Yeah, you rife with boyish attitude," Link put in.

Zelda smiled at their compliments. "Hey, let's do a prank call!" she blurted.

Grinning evilly, Zelda whipped out a small cell phone, leaving Link and Meta Knight wondering where she got that from. She punched in a random number, called it, and put it on speaker so Link and Meta Knight could hear.

Soon enough the phone was picked up. "Wario speaking," a gruff yet interested voice said.

"GORON PAINT!"

"Wh-what? You kids! If I ever find out who's calling me, I'll call the Smash Mansion and you will go to Brawler jail and I'll kill you because I'm Wario…"

The trio weren't listening to Wario's rant at all. Instead, they were too busy clasping their hands over their mouths and sternly focused on not letting the joy buzzing around in their stomachs overflow-

"There you are."

Zelda, Meta Knight and Link all whirled around only to have their face plummet to the temperature of Antarctica.

It was Snake and Ganondorf.

"…So stop calling," they heard distantly over the phone. Zelda's eyes goggled out of her sockets, doing nothing but simply pressing the OFF button on her phone.

Ganondorf spoke first. "Snake would like to have a word with you children," he said as if they already couldn't tell from him just being there.

"Oh, Yoshi turds," Meta Knight mumbled.

Snake gestured towards them to Ganondorf to prove his point. "That is exactly the sort of vulgarity that I want to eradicate from the distinguished halls of the Smash Mansion."

Zelda wanted to smash her head against the wall in boredom as Snake began to slip into the mood of his speech. "The traditions of this mansion must be upheld and respected. The creators surely would-"

She couldn't bear to listen to another word. "Spectator****ing Koopa**** Snake!"

"WHAT?"

Her stomach felt as if it were being elated and zooming all around, especially when Snake looked ready to pommel someone in one look. "You flimsy hammered Redead!"

For what seemed like the longest time, no one said anything. Finally Link muttered, "Luigi's hat."

Snake was practically steaming. "Ganondorf, I urge you to run to Master Hand and tell him to expel these monsters!"

Ganondorf chuckled in amusement. "Oh, Snape, let them have their flapdoodle," he said lazily.

"But you're the one who suggested posting the list in the first place!"

"I don't even remember what I did five minutes ago," Ganondorf shrugged. "Back to your sulking."

Snake's lips tightened, trying terribly hard to bite back a protest. Finally, he left without a word.

Meta Knight sighed in relief. "Thank you very much, Ganondorf," he said.

Ganondorf smiled fondly. "Alas! You're welcome!"

Zelda was barely paying any attention to what was going on. Instead, she was deep in thought for a few seconds, then took a deep breath and asked, "Ganondorf... you're obscenely old, right?"

"No, I'm not! I'm _beautiful_! ...But why do you ask?"

Zelda flashed a smile. "Do you know any super ancient, lost to the ages, archaic, olden times wizard swears?

Ganondorf rested his chin on his hand. "Well, there is one," he recalled fondly.

"I want to hear it!" Link said while Zelda's eyes shone with excitement.

"The Elder Swear," Ganondorf breathed. "You must never repeat it to anyone."

"We won't, professor," Meta Knight promised. Meanwhile Zelda pointedly didn't make that promise.

He nodded, not bothering to ask for Zelda or Link to promise as well. "Here it is."

With that, the green-skinned man inhaled a large gust of air-

"Your mother is a *********ing ********* lorem ipsum ******** admiumvenium *************** tragoonam ******************* tinglepottumous ********** Hylian *************** and Masahiro Sakurai ***************** with a trophy case of ****************** and a mansion far away where no one can ever hear you ******************* peaches ************* with a box of *************** Nintendo *************** strong ********** Alakabrawl!"

Pants tore out of a tired Ganondorf's mouth.

For a moment, even Princess Zelda couldn't say anything to that. She just stared at him, mystified. Meta Knight and Link exchanged looks, stunned by the sheer crudity of the swear.

Finally Link spoke up. "…..Wooooowwww…."

Ganondorf straightened himself once the three Brawlers had recuperated from their awe. "Now you know. You must never ever repeat it to anyone, okay?"

Link and Meta Knight nodded while Zelda stood still, mulling over what he had just said. After a moment of silence, she said, "We promise, sir."

The tone of her voice intended to do not keep that promise.

And sure enough, just a few moments later, the trio surrounded Olimar, bombarding him with the Elder Swear as he tried pitifully to escape the profanity.

"Your mother is a *********ing ********* lorem ipsum ******** admiumvenium *************** tragoonam…"


End file.
